Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You Might Also Like
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
the composer
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
How is it still this week?