The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.