Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
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Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
This woman is my idol. Free her.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??