Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself