The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
You Might Also Like
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…