My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
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Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Any refunds available?…
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: