Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Eggs benadryl my favourite
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time