love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
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wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.