[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.