I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
found this cool rock hiking today
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…