I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
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Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.