*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Well, that should do it
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.