[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
me before I type out affect or effect
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.