Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Traveler’s camo
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes