director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there