A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
You Might Also Like
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.