Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
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here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.