*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The honesty is refreshing
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.