My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Hey i am sexy to you now
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride