Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
the rocks need my help
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.