[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
You Might Also Like
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
doing your own taxes
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Feels like the fourth month in January
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.