An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
That’s not how days work.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
the best thing i’ve ever made
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.