MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine