[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Pigeon open mic night.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.