“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
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My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Ah yes. The three genders
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Last-minute gift idea!
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”