This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
You Might Also Like
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My life coach traded me.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Oh my God.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together