Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
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Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
So creative 😂
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes