Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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My dog ate my work from home.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)