[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.