(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“you recording!?”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*