From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
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[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered