I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?