rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
do what now??
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
opening twitter today
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.