So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers