So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Super Hand Dog Face
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.