Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.