I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming