My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Just ordered me some pizza!
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Dietest Coke
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Mornin
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.