They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
You Might Also Like
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.