My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.