If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
God has abandoned us.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
he’s sick of your bullshit today
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Stonehinge
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.