I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
A double negative is a big no-no.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.