I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The happy life.. 😊
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying