In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The Others (2001)
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
That took me a moment.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.