Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that