boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t