[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
let’s discuss
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs