Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..