Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
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Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned