[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
You Might Also Like
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”